I need cheering up 😕
I’m trying to stay strong, but it’s proving damn difficult. I’m hundreds of miles from home, in a new city, it’s my first day and I know literally NOBODY. I eat, I’m in pain, I don’t eat, I’m in pain, I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do to stop it from happening anymore. The medication, although strong, a lot of the time is proving to be shite, my body is just now refusing to accept help from anything weaker than IV morphine and gas. I’m tired, I’m so, so tired, most of the time physically, but now also mentally and emotionally, I pray, but I’m starting to doubt it’s effectiveness, and then I pray some more because I’m ‘not supposed to think thoughts like that’. This isn’t how this was supposed to start, it wasn’t meant to be worse that’s just staying in London. These hospital stays and surgery mean that I’m now going to fall behind, the strong painkillers I’m going to have to continue to take will mean that concentrating and staying awake during lessons will be a myth, I’m going down a downward spiral with no visible way to stop or even slow down. But I still have to believe in God, even if that’s the furthest thing from my mind right now, I’m not the ‘conventional’ Christian, but surely that doesn’t mean God has a right to ignore my pleas. I can’t stop crying, I’m crying now as I write this, I’m a mess and it’s embarrassing. I feel so helpless and it sucks.
i hate the word ‘clean’ applied to food. ‘clean eating’. it’s just another dickhead way to call poor people dirty when they don’t have the time/energy/money to cook and eat wild line-caught salmon and ethically farmed organic quinoa